Updated: Feb 2
The honey-moon phase is over and you've both settled in quite comfortably. Life is good, the spark is there and you're navigating through work, chores and goals. After a while you're disagreeing more than what you agree upon. You're not on the same page with a few important tasks and it breathes frustration. Before long you're holding back on your thoughts and opinions decreasing the level of communication you once had. Feelings of being second place in your partner's life creeps in causing you to "protect" your heart. You distract yourself by spending more time on social media, work and casual discussions. The spark, feelings of importance, joy and love is being suffocated by your new dysfunction. You can't understand how the person you were so crazy about is the person who makes you feel like you do not matter, is the person whom your heart doesn't release butterflies for anymore, is the person whom you rather not deal with anymore. You feel rejected, cheated, and unfulfilled. 1. When a marriage gets to this stage there is a possibility that; A. One or both partners have inner healing issues. B. One or both partners have difficulties with fear and or rejection before they got married C. One or both partners have identity issues and do not know or understand who they are. Though they are all interconnected, let me explain each for you. A - When you are emotionally matured, and is exposed to certain behaviors especially if it's destructive, you will deal with it head on when it arises. If you're not this tells me you may not know how to deal with your emotions well and overcome. So you end up "running" by avoiding the tough conversations. It also shows that you brought unresolved issues into your marriage. This can be corrected by; 1. Facing your past relational issues and working through those emotions. It will take time. 2. Getting a coach who specializes in relationships. (I know someone😉) 3. Pray against division and destruction while you pray for unity, understanding and healing of your hearts. 4. Decide on actionable steps you will take as individuals and as a couple to communicate more effectively with love. Feel free to ask a trusted friend to help you through the tough conversations but both of you must agree on who it is. B- If someone can tell you how to think they have power over how you'll feel. In this case that someone is fear. It lurks around waiting for you to agree with it so you both can produce an endless journey of confusion, regret, unforgiveness and self sabotage. It shuts you up and tells you what you have to say doesn't matter. Your actions demonstrate it and your words declare it. Why? Because it took over your thoughts and imagination. This is why you stopped communicating with your spouse; because you're listening to lies instead of truth and what God says about you. Fear says, marriage sucks...God's word shows us that marriage was created by God himself. He was the marriage officer at the very first wedding ceremony ever performed. How can you say it sucks? I know, because right now you're viewing it through the lens of how you feel. Your feelings tells you it's impossible to get back to the love and romance. Also through the lens of hurt which causes you to reject your spouse. In some cases you may be rejecting God and His place in your life/marriage. How do we fix it? 1. You have to come out of agreement with it. Begin to speak what produces life in your marriage. Declare scriptures over your marriage and life. Philippians 4:13 and Isaiah 54:17. You have to believe God will do what he says he will do. 2. You need to forgive your spouse. If you want freedom and grace you also need to extend the same to your spouse. C. Identity issues - Not knowing or understanding who you are Many marriages suffer because some couples think they know each other inside out but doesn't. If you're married to a person who doesn't understand or know themself well, then you do not know your spouse well. Questions such as, why did you break up in your last relationship? What was your relationship like with your mom and dad? What are your thoughts on financial management? Have you ever been abused? How do you handle pressure? What kind of sicknesses runs in your family? What are some things that has followed your previous generations? eg. divorce, infertility, deception, bankruptcy. There are so many other questions that are missed during the courting phase. It's good that you met the one but that doesn't mean good men and women are without issues. When vital questions are missed what the person truly believes will be manifested in marriage leaving you in disbelief. The person is unable to satisfy you because they are unsure of who they are, how to think constructively, make sound decisions or walk in confidence in their God given authority. All is not lost, there is hope. 1. Go to God who created you and allow his words to affirm you and give you Identity. 2. Forgive your parents for not giving you the amount of nurturing and teaching needed for you to know and understand who you are. It caused your emotions to be out of balance. 3. Get a coach who can help you take back control over your life by identifying the parts of you that have been groomed in fear so you can live an authentic life. (I know one 😉) 4. Be willing to release every false belief you have about yourself and God. God will show them to you if you ask.
5. Think of everything you have looked to for validation and meaning. it may be your education, title, sorority, fraternity, financial status or physical beauty.
These temporary things cannot give you your identity because they did not create you. If you want to learn about Toyota you cannot go to BMW asking for information. Looking to things and people to give you meaning and purpose will lead you nowhere.